Tonya was a party girl and loved her drinks, her social smokes and her delicious fine-dining meals. She also loved a little sniffy-sniff of the Good Stuff now and then.
One weekend, Tonya and her Friends had a bit of everything at a beachside mansion that they had booked out for a Girls-Only rendezvous and hoe-down.
Tonya and her Friends drank, ate, smoked, laughed and stayed awake well after sun-up on both days. They talked about life, love, the cosmos and penises.
When the weekend was over, Tonya decided to go on a Detox because she felt that what she had done to her body was Bad, even though her soul felt Good.
The Detox cost her 439 dollars and 95 cents and involved a series of juices to be taken at regular intervals during the day. This would help her liver and digestive system but might also make her feel sleepy, give her headaches and famish her. But these would only be side-effects.
"I had such an amazing weekend drinking, socially-smoking and eating delicious fine-dining with you gals," said Tonya via e-mail in a group message to her besties, "but I need to get rid of it by doing this Detox which I think all of you should do, too".
All her friends agreed to do it because they thought Tonya was fun, smart and always right. Plus, they liked doing things in a group because that made it more girlish, more fun and more right.
Soon, all their Detox packages had arrived and Tonya and her Friends commenced on their five-day juice-only Detox diet!
What none of them knew, however, was that a really, really bad psychopathic person decided to do a mass killing by putting really, really bad poison in the Detoxes at the point of distribution.
Tonya and all of her friends died almost immediately after drinking their first supplement.
Their relatives were comforted, much later, by the knowledge that the girls had enjoyed a good weekend only days before.
The end.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Corey's Horrible Brown Hair
Corey Daniels was born in 1987 to Wendy and Roger Daniels.
When Corey was 18 months old, Wendy began to worry. The hair on his head had changed from a pleasant, whispy blonde and was beginning to show signs... of darkening.
By the time Corey was 5, his hair was distinctly BROWN. A nightmare.
Wendy and Roger still loved Corey in spite of his colouring, but knew he would have a tough time fitting in at school with the other kids who would very likely call him names like "Feces Follicles", "Grizzly" and "Choc Top". Later, some would even call him "Soiled-Nappy Helmet" and throw hunks of dirt at him and put handfuls of manure in his underwear. While he was still wearing it.
By the time Corey reached puberty he had very few friends, aside from a couple of other Broons who had been mocked out of a social life at school, too. Corey didn't like hanging out with the other Broons, though, because the normal blonde, black and red-headed students would take photos of them and load them onto the internet with captions like "Shit-Cranium Epic Fail" and "Clan of the Cavebears" and what not.
So Corey became a loner.
At home, Corey had some sexy magazines he liked to look at. Sometimes he thought about himself doing what the men in the sexy magazines were doing with the women in the sexy magazines. There was nothing more thrilling than the thought that, perhaps one day, Corey might get the opportunity to do that with someone he loved, too.
When Corey was 17 and deep in the swollen throes of adolescence, Amy Powers approached him outside the school canteen. Amy had beautiful blonde hair that was very straight and went all the way down to where her bottom started. All the boys liked her and used her in their minds when they were doing masturbations.
"Hi, Corey" Amy said to Corey.
"Hi, Amy" Corey stuttered back.
"I was just wondering- sorry this is pretty hard to say- but...I was just wondering if you'd like to get a milkshake with me sometime?" asked Amy.
Corey nearly died from happiness.
"Yes, oh yes that would be lovely Amy!" smiled Corey, his heart somersaulting in his chest.
At that point Amy started laughing and some other voices started laughing from behind the nearby toilet blocks. Even some of the old women who worked in the canteen started laughing!
"As if I was serious, Coconut" giggled Amy before walking away and high-fiving her friends.
That night, Corey shaved his head and killed himself violently.
In the end, everyone else turned prematurely grey from the guilt and the shock.
And some of them lost their hair altogether.
The end.
When Corey was 18 months old, Wendy began to worry. The hair on his head had changed from a pleasant, whispy blonde and was beginning to show signs... of darkening.
By the time Corey was 5, his hair was distinctly BROWN. A nightmare.
Wendy and Roger still loved Corey in spite of his colouring, but knew he would have a tough time fitting in at school with the other kids who would very likely call him names like "Feces Follicles", "Grizzly" and "Choc Top". Later, some would even call him "Soiled-Nappy Helmet" and throw hunks of dirt at him and put handfuls of manure in his underwear. While he was still wearing it.
By the time Corey reached puberty he had very few friends, aside from a couple of other Broons who had been mocked out of a social life at school, too. Corey didn't like hanging out with the other Broons, though, because the normal blonde, black and red-headed students would take photos of them and load them onto the internet with captions like "Shit-Cranium Epic Fail" and "Clan of the Cavebears" and what not.
So Corey became a loner.
At home, Corey had some sexy magazines he liked to look at. Sometimes he thought about himself doing what the men in the sexy magazines were doing with the women in the sexy magazines. There was nothing more thrilling than the thought that, perhaps one day, Corey might get the opportunity to do that with someone he loved, too.
When Corey was 17 and deep in the swollen throes of adolescence, Amy Powers approached him outside the school canteen. Amy had beautiful blonde hair that was very straight and went all the way down to where her bottom started. All the boys liked her and used her in their minds when they were doing masturbations.
"Hi, Corey" Amy said to Corey.
"Hi, Amy" Corey stuttered back.
"I was just wondering- sorry this is pretty hard to say- but...I was just wondering if you'd like to get a milkshake with me sometime?" asked Amy.
Corey nearly died from happiness.
"Yes, oh yes that would be lovely Amy!" smiled Corey, his heart somersaulting in his chest.
At that point Amy started laughing and some other voices started laughing from behind the nearby toilet blocks. Even some of the old women who worked in the canteen started laughing!
"As if I was serious, Coconut" giggled Amy before walking away and high-fiving her friends.
That night, Corey shaved his head and killed himself violently.
In the end, everyone else turned prematurely grey from the guilt and the shock.
And some of them lost their hair altogether.
The end.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Lorinda, a beautiful baby
Lorinda was a beautiful, bouncing baby girl. 10 pounds, 2 ounces.
Everyone loved her.
Until it turned out she was THE ANTI-CHRIST.
The end.
Everyone loved her.
Until it turned out she was THE ANTI-CHRIST.
The end.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Denny: a spooky, spooky ghost.
The sun rose, hot and plump, over the Gobi Desert- painting the baron stretches of sand with a frenzy of hellfire red, pottish terracotta and various hues of fruitish orange/tangerine.
That, however, has nothing to do with this story.
This story is about Denny: a spooky, spooky ghost.
He was spooky. And when I say spooky I mean REAL spooky.
The end.
That, however, has nothing to do with this story.
This story is about Denny: a spooky, spooky ghost.
He was spooky. And when I say spooky I mean REAL spooky.
The end.
The Duke Of Magicland
The Duke of Magicland had a long-term affair with a whore from Gilby. Gilby was a nearby village that was famous for its whores as well as its cutlery.
The whore with whom the Duke of Magicland made goodtime-fucking with was named "Damina". But, don't worry, that was only her working name. Her real name was Emma Smith.
One day, Emma Smith decided to carriage-on-up to Magicland to tell all the goodly people of the kingdom her dirty, dirty secret.
She held a press conference and announced that she had been making goodtime-fucking with The Duke of Magicland for just over two years. She even went into unnecessary details that everyone privately enjoyed. Like, for example, what she and The Duke did with a beehive, a sprig of celery and a lunging rope one morning.
The Duke of Magicland was furious, humiliated and terrified.
His wife, The Duchess of Magicland, was devastated and flew out of her parlour in a flurry of tears and maid-staff.
Everyone was disgusted with the Duke. They judged him immediately and severely with a seething, seething hatred seldom seen or felt in Magicland.
The Shamed Duke (knowing things were looking grim for his marriage, reputation and future Dukedom) did the only thing he could do: he performed some magic that REVERSED TIME and made Emma Smith disappear into oblivion forever.
Everything was, once again, as it should have been and The Duke started making goodtime-fucking with a new and peachy-skinned whore from Dilby. (Who couldn't speak because The Duke magicked her tongue clean out of her).
And this is why Magicland is awesome.
The end.
The whore with whom the Duke of Magicland made goodtime-fucking with was named "Damina". But, don't worry, that was only her working name. Her real name was Emma Smith.
One day, Emma Smith decided to carriage-on-up to Magicland to tell all the goodly people of the kingdom her dirty, dirty secret.
She held a press conference and announced that she had been making goodtime-fucking with The Duke of Magicland for just over two years. She even went into unnecessary details that everyone privately enjoyed. Like, for example, what she and The Duke did with a beehive, a sprig of celery and a lunging rope one morning.
The Duke of Magicland was furious, humiliated and terrified.
His wife, The Duchess of Magicland, was devastated and flew out of her parlour in a flurry of tears and maid-staff.
Everyone was disgusted with the Duke. They judged him immediately and severely with a seething, seething hatred seldom seen or felt in Magicland.
The Shamed Duke (knowing things were looking grim for his marriage, reputation and future Dukedom) did the only thing he could do: he performed some magic that REVERSED TIME and made Emma Smith disappear into oblivion forever.
Everything was, once again, as it should have been and The Duke started making goodtime-fucking with a new and peachy-skinned whore from Dilby. (Who couldn't speak because The Duke magicked her tongue clean out of her).
And this is why Magicland is awesome.
The end.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Teacup
Teacup was a poodle.
Lady Hampsley was a lady.
Lady Hampsley was a very glamorous and famous lady.
Teacup was a very poorly and flea-ridden poodle.
Lady Hampsley could afford anything she wanted.
Teacup was in a badly-run Pound in a relatively baron wasteland on the city outskirts surrounded by nothing but Display Home Villages and a few spooky service stations.
Lady Hampsley was plump and blush.
Teacup was abused and brownish-white.
Lady Hampsley decided, one morning, to do something Generous. The press always liked it when she did.
Teacup was going to be put down in the morning if nobody came to save her from The Pound. That's what happened there if nobody did.
Lady Hampsley decided to extend her generosity... to a dog.
Teacup had had such a bad life. SUCH a bad life.
Lady Hampsley ordered Morris, her Helicopter FlightsMan, to air her immediately to the most rundown pound on the city outskirts.
Teacup could barely feel her legs for hunger.
Lady Hampsley touched down at The Pound and waited for the Newspaper People.
Teacup heard Lady Hampsley enter the cage-rows.
Lady Hampsley said "No. No. Maybe. No" as she drifted past the other contenders.
Teacup did all she could just to stand and look elegant.
Lady Hampsley saw Teacup.
Teacup saw Lady Hampsley.
"This one!" cried Lady Hampsley.
Teacup's heart did somersaults and caught metaphoric bones in its non-existent mouth.
Lady Hampsley walked outside with Teacup.
The Newspaper People took a thousand photos, with hopes of headlines like "She's Done It Again", "No Lady Like Her!" and "Hampsley Helps a Horrid Hound".
Lady Hampsley tossed Teacup high into the air in a gesture of affection for the cameras.
Teacup flew, overjoyed.
Morris turned into a slow-motion version of himself in the cockpit of the helicopter and let out a silent scream.
The Newspaper People kept taking photos.
Lady Hampsley looked up.
Teacup soared into the rotor-blades of the chopper.
The end.
Lady Hampsley was a lady.
Lady Hampsley was a very glamorous and famous lady.
Teacup was a very poorly and flea-ridden poodle.
Lady Hampsley could afford anything she wanted.
Teacup was in a badly-run Pound in a relatively baron wasteland on the city outskirts surrounded by nothing but Display Home Villages and a few spooky service stations.
Lady Hampsley was plump and blush.
Teacup was abused and brownish-white.
Lady Hampsley decided, one morning, to do something Generous. The press always liked it when she did.
Teacup was going to be put down in the morning if nobody came to save her from The Pound. That's what happened there if nobody did.
Lady Hampsley decided to extend her generosity... to a dog.
Teacup had had such a bad life. SUCH a bad life.
Lady Hampsley ordered Morris, her Helicopter FlightsMan, to air her immediately to the most rundown pound on the city outskirts.
Teacup could barely feel her legs for hunger.
Lady Hampsley touched down at The Pound and waited for the Newspaper People.
Teacup heard Lady Hampsley enter the cage-rows.
Lady Hampsley said "No. No. Maybe. No" as she drifted past the other contenders.
Teacup did all she could just to stand and look elegant.
Lady Hampsley saw Teacup.
Teacup saw Lady Hampsley.
"This one!" cried Lady Hampsley.
Teacup's heart did somersaults and caught metaphoric bones in its non-existent mouth.
Lady Hampsley walked outside with Teacup.
The Newspaper People took a thousand photos, with hopes of headlines like "She's Done It Again", "No Lady Like Her!" and "Hampsley Helps a Horrid Hound".
Lady Hampsley tossed Teacup high into the air in a gesture of affection for the cameras.
Teacup flew, overjoyed.
Morris turned into a slow-motion version of himself in the cockpit of the helicopter and let out a silent scream.
The Newspaper People kept taking photos.
Lady Hampsley looked up.
Teacup soared into the rotor-blades of the chopper.
The end.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Captain Saltbeard
Captain Saltbeard was a rare pirate-statue made from paint and precious ceramics. But Saltbeard had something extra special not found in other precious ceramic pirate statues...HE WAS A ROOSTER PIRATE.
Captain Saltgbeard lived at 109 Berry-Bridge Road, in a house which was all made of roof. Whoa! Like a big triangle! One of those houses! And he loved living in it.
Of an evening, Saltbeard liked the smell of Lavender and Pine that meandered through the kitchen window from the mountains, from the garden.
Of a morning, he enjoyed the look of The Frypp Family's sourdough browning under the grill, the pitcher of juice propped on the neatly-dressed kitchen table, the steam from little Felix and Gaby's hot chocolates when the weather was particularly crisp.
And, oh!, Captain Saltbeard loved the feel of the sun on his face when it travelled past the side window at ten past three every afternoon, drenching him in gold and calm for a good seven minutes or more.
The only thing Captain Saltbeard didn't like about living with The Frypp Family at 109 Berry-Bridge Road was the day that Stan, their foster kid, put Saltbeard on the floor, hit him with a frying pan and used the broken pieces to make hundreds of little cuts up the length of his pale, pale arm.
The end.
Captain Saltgbeard lived at 109 Berry-Bridge Road, in a house which was all made of roof. Whoa! Like a big triangle! One of those houses! And he loved living in it.
Of an evening, Saltbeard liked the smell of Lavender and Pine that meandered through the kitchen window from the mountains, from the garden.
Of a morning, he enjoyed the look of The Frypp Family's sourdough browning under the grill, the pitcher of juice propped on the neatly-dressed kitchen table, the steam from little Felix and Gaby's hot chocolates when the weather was particularly crisp.
And, oh!, Captain Saltbeard loved the feel of the sun on his face when it travelled past the side window at ten past three every afternoon, drenching him in gold and calm for a good seven minutes or more.
The only thing Captain Saltbeard didn't like about living with The Frypp Family at 109 Berry-Bridge Road was the day that Stan, their foster kid, put Saltbeard on the floor, hit him with a frying pan and used the broken pieces to make hundreds of little cuts up the length of his pale, pale arm.
The end.
Trix 'n' Tracy
Trix 'n' Tracy were never seen anywhere without each other.
Trix loved Tracy and would help her do her hair.
Tracy loved Trix and would help her to tie her shoes.
Trix 'n' Tracy were together so often that they also washed each other when they were in the absolute nuddy in the shower. Ye gads!
They even went to the TOILET together and didn't mind ONE BIT. Even when they had to do POOS.
This is because Trix 'n' Tracy were born with their skulls fused together in a way that medical science has not yet learned to fix.
The end.
Trix loved Tracy and would help her do her hair.
Tracy loved Trix and would help her to tie her shoes.
Trix 'n' Tracy were together so often that they also washed each other when they were in the absolute nuddy in the shower. Ye gads!
They even went to the TOILET together and didn't mind ONE BIT. Even when they had to do POOS.
This is because Trix 'n' Tracy were born with their skulls fused together in a way that medical science has not yet learned to fix.
The end.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Kristof, The Cow Herd
Kristof herded cows for nothing more than a pinch of salt, a sniff of ale and a flask of milk first thing in the morning.
He herded cows because he loved them.
"Kristof!" his mother would bark in her disturbingly inaccurate German accent, "Ven, o, ven vill you gif oop zis ill-begotten dream of herdink cows and make your poor mother some real dollars und cents?!"
"Never, mother" replied Kristof.
And with that, he jumped onto the back of his favourite cow, Boobelle, and flew high into the air, over towns and rivers and lakes and kingdoms and never saw his pest of a mother ever again.
Boy, was her face red when she realised Kristof had been keeping it secret that he had a cow that could FLY.
The end.
He herded cows because he loved them.
"Kristof!" his mother would bark in her disturbingly inaccurate German accent, "Ven, o, ven vill you gif oop zis ill-begotten dream of herdink cows and make your poor mother some real dollars und cents?!"
"Never, mother" replied Kristof.
And with that, he jumped onto the back of his favourite cow, Boobelle, and flew high into the air, over towns and rivers and lakes and kingdoms and never saw his pest of a mother ever again.
Boy, was her face red when she realised Kristof had been keeping it secret that he had a cow that could FLY.
The end.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Once they were both at the bottom of the hill, Jack and Jill started laughing.
"Who even calls it a 'pail'?!" asked Jill, incredulously.
"And how the hell do you break a 'crown'?", asked Jack, not knowing what part of the body was being referenced in their nursery rhyme.
After they finished their laughing, Jack and Jill had repeated episodes of hot, hot, pornish, porny sex.
One of these episodes made a baby which was later impaled on a broken crown.
Now who's laughing?
The end.
Once they were both at the bottom of the hill, Jack and Jill started laughing.
"Who even calls it a 'pail'?!" asked Jill, incredulously.
"And how the hell do you break a 'crown'?", asked Jack, not knowing what part of the body was being referenced in their nursery rhyme.
After they finished their laughing, Jack and Jill had repeated episodes of hot, hot, pornish, porny sex.
One of these episodes made a baby which was later impaled on a broken crown.
Now who's laughing?
The end.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Gregory's Rainbow
Gregory wanted to draw a rainbow but he only had one black pencil.
He still drew it- but it made him sad, so he drew two black dots above it and pinned it on his bedroom wall.
The end.
He still drew it- but it made him sad, so he drew two black dots above it and pinned it on his bedroom wall.
The end.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
A Day By The Sea
Lyn and Barry decided to spend a day by the sea.
Lyn went to the souvenir shop near where the boats were docked. She looked at an assortment of earrings made from real-life shells and a snow globe, which (when shaken), looked just like the ocean.
Barry looked in the 'Line 'n' Tackle' shop and came out with some earthworms and a lime-green fishing reel. He sat on the finger-wharf and carefully threaded a worm through the hook.
After fetching some calamari and chips from "Fresh And Chips" (the charmless name of the nearby seaside kiosk) Lyn sat down beside Barry and watched him fish.
Barry got a bite and yanked at the reel. Unfortunately, the hook was stuck in the woody-pylon holding up the wharf. When Barry yanked, the hook was set free, but like a whip, it hurtled out of the water and into Lyn's face, gouging into her eye and plucking it clean from her head.
Terrified, Barry and Lyn both tried to stand at the same time, bumped heads and fell into the sea where they were devoured by a visiting Tiger Shark who had watched the entire nightmare play out with a great deal of satisfaction.
The end.
Lyn went to the souvenir shop near where the boats were docked. She looked at an assortment of earrings made from real-life shells and a snow globe, which (when shaken), looked just like the ocean.
Barry looked in the 'Line 'n' Tackle' shop and came out with some earthworms and a lime-green fishing reel. He sat on the finger-wharf and carefully threaded a worm through the hook.
After fetching some calamari and chips from "Fresh And Chips" (the charmless name of the nearby seaside kiosk) Lyn sat down beside Barry and watched him fish.
Barry got a bite and yanked at the reel. Unfortunately, the hook was stuck in the woody-pylon holding up the wharf. When Barry yanked, the hook was set free, but like a whip, it hurtled out of the water and into Lyn's face, gouging into her eye and plucking it clean from her head.
Terrified, Barry and Lyn both tried to stand at the same time, bumped heads and fell into the sea where they were devoured by a visiting Tiger Shark who had watched the entire nightmare play out with a great deal of satisfaction.
The end.
Craig
Craig was a homosexual who enjoyed snowboarding, camping in the mountains and films by Quentin Tarantino.
Craig was lonely.
One night, Craig decided to do what other homosexuals did. He decided to go to a Gay Nightspot.
Nobody danced with Craig or gave him eyes at the Gay Nightspot because Craig had a normal haircut and looked too much like a grown-up.
So Craig went back home and read, then went to sleep.
The next day, Craig turned 23.
The end.
Craig was lonely.
One night, Craig decided to do what other homosexuals did. He decided to go to a Gay Nightspot.
Nobody danced with Craig or gave him eyes at the Gay Nightspot because Craig had a normal haircut and looked too much like a grown-up.
So Craig went back home and read, then went to sleep.
The next day, Craig turned 23.
The end.
Mr. and Mrs. Bishop
Mr. and Mrs. Bishop had a son named Patrick.
Patrick spent lunch times at school sitting inside the play-fort eating his sandwiches in the dark with the ants and wondering about arithmetic, geometric shapes and the composition of music for the harpsichord.
On occasion, other children would enter the play-fort to stare at Patrick or throw scraps at him with their hands.
This didn't upset Patrick because Patrick lacked both feelings and empathy.
If the other children laughed, Patrick wondered why. If the other children cried, Patrick wondered why.
Patrick would never understand them. But he sure liked mustard and ham sandwiches and rhombi-truncated icosidodecahedrons.
The End.
Patrick spent lunch times at school sitting inside the play-fort eating his sandwiches in the dark with the ants and wondering about arithmetic, geometric shapes and the composition of music for the harpsichord.
On occasion, other children would enter the play-fort to stare at Patrick or throw scraps at him with their hands.
This didn't upset Patrick because Patrick lacked both feelings and empathy.
If the other children laughed, Patrick wondered why. If the other children cried, Patrick wondered why.
Patrick would never understand them. But he sure liked mustard and ham sandwiches and rhombi-truncated icosidodecahedrons.
The End.
Carmen and Connie
Carmen and Connie are very pretty girls.
They both have very happy smiles. Everyone says so.
The only difference between them involves cooking. Carmen is better at cooking than Connie is, but Connie doesn't care about that because she is often invited to eat delicious delicacies at Carmen's house.
And whenever this happens, it makes them both smile their big, happy smiles.
Sometimes they smile so much, and so big, that it makes fireworks explode in other countries...far, far away.
And sometimes -just sometimes- when they are at their very happiest, Carmen and Connie even make fireworks explode in ancient kingdoms from PAST TIMES IN HISTORY... before fireworks WERE EVEN INVENTED.
History tells us that only two people were injured from sudden-unexpected-fireworks displays in ancient kingdoms of yore-time, but those two people deserved it. Everyone back then thought so, too.
Which means Carmen and Connie do a pretty amazing job, just by smiling here in the future.
The end.
They both have very happy smiles. Everyone says so.
The only difference between them involves cooking. Carmen is better at cooking than Connie is, but Connie doesn't care about that because she is often invited to eat delicious delicacies at Carmen's house.
And whenever this happens, it makes them both smile their big, happy smiles.
Sometimes they smile so much, and so big, that it makes fireworks explode in other countries...far, far away.
And sometimes -just sometimes- when they are at their very happiest, Carmen and Connie even make fireworks explode in ancient kingdoms from PAST TIMES IN HISTORY... before fireworks WERE EVEN INVENTED.
History tells us that only two people were injured from sudden-unexpected-fireworks displays in ancient kingdoms of yore-time, but those two people deserved it. Everyone back then thought so, too.
Which means Carmen and Connie do a pretty amazing job, just by smiling here in the future.
The end.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Renee Ruth, Nightly at Seven.
Bethany was fifteen years old and always dreamt of becoming a News Reader.
She thought, if it ever happened, that she would change her name to "Renee Ruth" because, to Bethany, that name sounded powerful, authoritative and sexy. It also suggested a good deal of truthful, grass-roots level reporting that so many other News Readers were sorely lacking.
Bethany would sometimes use her computer to Google images of News Readers. She would Photoshop out their faces and Photoshop in her own.
Sometimes, she would stare at her Photoshop creations for hours. One time, she stared at them for over two days without sleeping or eating.
When Bethany was 19, she was on the News.
She had used a rusty old rake that she found lodged in a hay-bale just off the Southern Highway to hurt some people from her old school that she didn't like.
Some of them were more than hurt.
The end.
She thought, if it ever happened, that she would change her name to "Renee Ruth" because, to Bethany, that name sounded powerful, authoritative and sexy. It also suggested a good deal of truthful, grass-roots level reporting that so many other News Readers were sorely lacking.
Bethany would sometimes use her computer to Google images of News Readers. She would Photoshop out their faces and Photoshop in her own.
Sometimes, she would stare at her Photoshop creations for hours. One time, she stared at them for over two days without sleeping or eating.
When Bethany was 19, she was on the News.
She had used a rusty old rake that she found lodged in a hay-bale just off the Southern Highway to hurt some people from her old school that she didn't like.
Some of them were more than hurt.
The end.
A Little Bit Of Wine
Carlisle Hopping loved a little bit of wine.
He loved a little bit of wine alot.
Sometimes, even for breakfast, Carlisle Hopping loved a little bit of wine.
Sometimes, in the toilets of the printing firm where he worked...he loved a little bit of wine in secret.
Carlisle Hopping loved a little bit of wine so much and so often that there was even a little bit of wine hidden in his socks & underwear drawer so that he could enjoy a little bit of wine when his wife, Helen, was nosing about and making a damned nuisance of herself.
One day, Carlisle Hopping went to his doctor who was an Indian man named Ranjeet. Ranjeet told Carlisle Hopping he wasn't to drink anymore wine.
This made Carlisle Hopping mad. Later, he got very very drunk at home to deal with the news and enjoyed himself immensely.
Helen cried and hid in the back shed all night until it was over.
The end.
He loved a little bit of wine alot.
Sometimes, even for breakfast, Carlisle Hopping loved a little bit of wine.
Sometimes, in the toilets of the printing firm where he worked...he loved a little bit of wine in secret.
Carlisle Hopping loved a little bit of wine so much and so often that there was even a little bit of wine hidden in his socks & underwear drawer so that he could enjoy a little bit of wine when his wife, Helen, was nosing about and making a damned nuisance of herself.
One day, Carlisle Hopping went to his doctor who was an Indian man named Ranjeet. Ranjeet told Carlisle Hopping he wasn't to drink anymore wine.
This made Carlisle Hopping mad. Later, he got very very drunk at home to deal with the news and enjoyed himself immensely.
Helen cried and hid in the back shed all night until it was over.
The end.
Sand and Honey
When Christopher was young, he used to get a bowl and mix sand and honey in it... and then eat it with his fingers and mouth.
The recipe was:
1. A handful of sand (beach or pit).
2. Some honey (not creamed).
3. A bowl.
4. A spoon.
5. Stir and eat.
The taste, as Christopher recalls, reminded him somewhat of the taste of a sort of grainy honey.
Stupid Christopher.
The end.
The recipe was:
1. A handful of sand (beach or pit).
2. Some honey (not creamed).
3. A bowl.
4. A spoon.
5. Stir and eat.
The taste, as Christopher recalls, reminded him somewhat of the taste of a sort of grainy honey.
Stupid Christopher.
The end.
Princess Diana
Princess Diana was the name of our cat for years and years, but then we had to change it.
After the accident, she just became known to us as "Princess".
Later, she had to get put down because she got too old and couldn't see so good and sometimes she would do poos without meaning to.
The end.
After the accident, she just became known to us as "Princess".
Later, she had to get put down because she got too old and couldn't see so good and sometimes she would do poos without meaning to.
The end.
Elsie Malone
Elsie Malone had an itch in her No-No place.
She got it in Galway (in the Republic of Ireland) from an older fellow named Theodore Malone (no relative of Elsie's, just an amazing surname coincidence).
Theodore was a Professor of Psychology at NUI and also a hobbyist hand-darter.
Elsie scratched at her itch so hard that sometimes she thought she might dig her way to China.
She never made it to China in the end, but always liked looking at pictures of it.
The end.
She got it in Galway (in the Republic of Ireland) from an older fellow named Theodore Malone (no relative of Elsie's, just an amazing surname coincidence).
Theodore was a Professor of Psychology at NUI and also a hobbyist hand-darter.
Elsie scratched at her itch so hard that sometimes she thought she might dig her way to China.
She never made it to China in the end, but always liked looking at pictures of it.
The end.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Ouch
Ouch was a donkey and he lived in a rarely-visited Regional Children's Petting Zoo.
He was named Ouch by the zookeeper who originally cared for him.
The zookeeper's name wasn't Ouch, but he named Ouch 'Ouch'. So Ouch wasn't named after the zookeeper, but by him. (There's a difference between those two words, which is why italics were used.)
The zookeeper's name was Angus. Angus named Ouch 'Ouch' because the first day Ouch came to the Regional Children's Petting Zoo, Ouch bit Angus good and hard in Angus's nutbag.
The end.
He was named Ouch by the zookeeper who originally cared for him.
The zookeeper's name wasn't Ouch, but he named Ouch 'Ouch'. So Ouch wasn't named after the zookeeper, but by him. (There's a difference between those two words, which is why italics were used.)
The zookeeper's name was Angus. Angus named Ouch 'Ouch' because the first day Ouch came to the Regional Children's Petting Zoo, Ouch bit Angus good and hard in Angus's nutbag.
The end.
Little Toby, Little Tim
Once, Hopscotch was Little Toby's favourite game...
...until the day his second best friend, Little Tim, brought a handgun into the school amphitheatre and shot and shot at Little Toby while Little Toby was hopscotching.
That was when Little Toby and Little Tim were in year 3.
Little Toby went to another school after that. So did Little Tim.
They are now in their forties.
Maybe some day they'll meet again, and then- the sun will shine.
The end.
...until the day his second best friend, Little Tim, brought a handgun into the school amphitheatre and shot and shot at Little Toby while Little Toby was hopscotching.
That was when Little Toby and Little Tim were in year 3.
Little Toby went to another school after that. So did Little Tim.
They are now in their forties.
Maybe some day they'll meet again, and then- the sun will shine.
The end.
Debra. An Operetta.
Debra didn't like people and was frequently rude to service staff and very young children.
Debra was a turd.
The end.
Debra was a turd.
The end.
A Spatchcock named Mildred
There was once a baby Spatchcock named Mildred. She was tiny and, in some ways, adorable.
Her mumma Spatchcock died while giving birth to her and nobody knew who Mildred's father was because Mildred's mother got about.
This meant Mildred was an Orphan.
It is a little-known fact that Orphaned Spatchcii develop magical powers.
It is also a little-known fact that the plural of Spatchcock is Spatchcii.
The magical power Mildred inherited was the ability to FLY (which was disappointing as far as magical powers go because Mildred was already a bird). But that's the luck of the draw, I suppose.
One day, Mildred launched into the air and flew into the path of an oncoming milk truck. This was the day that Mildred died.
The end.
Her mumma Spatchcock died while giving birth to her and nobody knew who Mildred's father was because Mildred's mother got about.
This meant Mildred was an Orphan.
It is a little-known fact that Orphaned Spatchcii develop magical powers.
It is also a little-known fact that the plural of Spatchcock is Spatchcii.
The magical power Mildred inherited was the ability to FLY (which was disappointing as far as magical powers go because Mildred was already a bird). But that's the luck of the draw, I suppose.
One day, Mildred launched into the air and flew into the path of an oncoming milk truck. This was the day that Mildred died.
The end.
Jack the Cucumber
Jack the Cucumber was a Christian.
In the vegetable buckets at the green grocer, Jack would try damn, damn hard to evangelise to the other cucumbers (and also some of the neighbouring capsicums).
This annoyed them all and they wanted Jack to just shut up with his self-righteous religious rantings and leave them in peace.
One day, a Bad Lady came to the green grocers and picked Jack up, inspected him and then purchased him (along with a punnet of strawberries, which are incidental to this story).
All the other vegetables were relieved Jack had finally gone.
They would have been even happier to know that the Bad Lady took Jack home and masturbated her vagina with him all the time.
The end.
In the vegetable buckets at the green grocer, Jack would try damn, damn hard to evangelise to the other cucumbers (and also some of the neighbouring capsicums).
This annoyed them all and they wanted Jack to just shut up with his self-righteous religious rantings and leave them in peace.
One day, a Bad Lady came to the green grocers and picked Jack up, inspected him and then purchased him (along with a punnet of strawberries, which are incidental to this story).
All the other vegetables were relieved Jack had finally gone.
They would have been even happier to know that the Bad Lady took Jack home and masturbated her vagina with him all the time.
The end.
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