Friday, January 7, 2011


Bettina was the portliest girl at Our Lady of the Lord's Private Ladies College and had absolutely no friends to speak of.

At lunch times, Bettina would find a shaded area of the school nature-reserve and pretend to talk to faeries (which she liked to spell the proper way out of respect for the faerie community).

She would imagine them floating down the dirt path to meet her. She would imagine them joining her for sandwiches and juice. She would imagine them removing their clothes.

The end.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Harry was an Eagle

Harry was an Eagle.

This is a given because that is what Harry was.

Sometimes, when the moon was high in the sky, Harry liked to fly up and into it so he could feel like the logo of an expensive film-production house.

He liked to think he was being captured in silhouette- wings stretched broadly- the Gust of Opportunity raging through his feathers while the silver-blue of the moon shone before him like a mammoth spotlight welcoming him into the sky.

One time, Harry flew too high and the effects of gravity inverted and he got sucked into space and imploded.

Harry had dreams like all of us. But at least Harry still got to fly.

The end.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Gillian loves to Paint

Ever since she was *this high*, Gillian loved to paint!

Today, Gillian is 46 and she still loves to paint! She paints landscapes, portraits and fruit bowls!

And she does it all with the paint-brush in her vagina!

The end.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Time (or Timothy and the Liar)

Timothy didn't know what the time was because he had lost his watch.

Timothy asked a stranger for the time.

The stranger said "It is 7 minutes after the hour of 11am, my friend!"

Timothy thanked the stranger and got about doing various morning-chores.

What Timothy didn't realise, however, was that the stranger was a Notorious Liar:

It was, in fact, 12 minutes after the hour of 3pm.

This meant that Timothy missed his grandmother's cremation.

The end.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tonya Goes on a Detox

Tonya was a party girl and loved her drinks, her social smokes and her delicious fine-dining meals. She also loved a little sniffy-sniff of the Good Stuff now and then.

One weekend, Tonya and her Friends had a bit of everything at a beachside mansion that they had booked out for a Girls-Only rendezvous and hoe-down.

Tonya and her Friends drank, ate, smoked, laughed and stayed awake well after sun-up on both days. They talked about life, love, the cosmos and penises.

When the weekend was over, Tonya decided to go on a Detox because she felt that what she had done to her body was Bad, even though her soul felt Good.

The Detox cost her 439 dollars and 95 cents and involved a series of juices to be taken at regular intervals during the day. This would help her liver and digestive system but might also make her feel sleepy, give her headaches and famish her. But these would only be side-effects.

"I had such an amazing weekend drinking, socially-smoking and eating delicious fine-dining with you gals," said Tonya via e-mail in a group message to her besties, "but I need to get rid of it by doing this Detox which I think all of you should do, too".

All her friends agreed to do it because they thought Tonya was fun, smart and always right. Plus, they liked doing things in a group because that made it more girlish, more fun and more right.

Soon, all their Detox packages had arrived and Tonya and her Friends commenced on their five-day juice-only Detox diet!

What none of them knew, however, was that a really, really bad psychopathic person decided to do a mass killing by putting really, really bad poison in the Detoxes at the point of distribution.

Tonya and all of her friends died almost immediately after drinking their first supplement.

Their relatives were comforted, much later, by the knowledge that the girls had enjoyed a good weekend only days before.

The end.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Corey's Horrible Brown Hair

Corey Daniels was born in 1987 to Wendy and Roger Daniels.

When Corey was 18 months old, Wendy began to worry. The hair on his head had changed from a pleasant, whispy blonde and was beginning to show signs... of darkening.

By the time Corey was 5, his hair was distinctly BROWN. A nightmare.

Wendy and Roger still loved Corey in spite of his colouring, but knew he would have a tough time fitting in at school with the other kids who would very likely call him names like "Feces Follicles", "Grizzly" and "Choc Top". Later, some would even call him "Soiled-Nappy Helmet" and throw hunks of dirt at him and put handfuls of manure in his underwear. While he was still wearing it.

By the time Corey reached puberty he had very few friends, aside from a couple of other Broons who had been mocked out of a social life at school, too. Corey didn't like hanging out with the other Broons, though, because the normal blonde, black and red-headed students would take photos of them and load them onto the internet with captions like "Shit-Cranium Epic Fail" and "Clan of the Cavebears" and what not.

So Corey became a loner.

At home, Corey had some sexy magazines he liked to look at. Sometimes he thought about himself doing what the men in the sexy magazines were doing with the women in the sexy magazines. There was nothing more thrilling than the thought that, perhaps one day, Corey might get the opportunity to do that with someone he loved, too.

When Corey was 17 and deep in the swollen throes of adolescence, Amy Powers approached him outside the school canteen. Amy had beautiful blonde hair that was very straight and went all the way down to where her bottom started. All the boys liked her and used her in their minds when they were doing masturbations.

"Hi, Corey" Amy said to Corey.
"Hi, Amy" Corey stuttered back.
"I was just wondering- sorry this is pretty hard to say- but...I was just wondering if you'd like to get a milkshake with me sometime?" asked Amy.

Corey nearly died from happiness.

"Yes, oh yes that would be lovely Amy!" smiled Corey, his heart somersaulting in his chest.

At that point Amy started laughing and some other voices started laughing from behind the nearby toilet blocks. Even some of the old women who worked in the canteen started laughing!

"As if I was serious, Coconut" giggled Amy before walking away and high-fiving her friends.

That night, Corey shaved his head and killed himself violently.

In the end, everyone else turned prematurely grey from the guilt and the shock.

And some of them lost their hair altogether.

The end.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Lorinda, a beautiful baby

Lorinda was a beautiful, bouncing baby girl. 10 pounds, 2 ounces.

Everyone loved her.

Until it turned out she was THE ANTI-CHRIST.

The end.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Denny: a spooky, spooky ghost.

The sun rose, hot and plump, over the Gobi Desert- painting the baron stretches of sand with a frenzy of hellfire red, pottish terracotta and various hues of fruitish orange/tangerine.

That, however, has nothing to do with this story.

This story is about Denny: a spooky, spooky ghost.

He was spooky. And when I say spooky I mean REAL spooky.

The end.

The Duke Of Magicland

The Duke of Magicland had a long-term affair with a whore from Gilby. Gilby was a nearby village that was famous for its whores as well as its cutlery.

The whore with whom the Duke of Magicland made goodtime-fucking with was named "Damina". But, don't worry, that was only her working name. Her real name was Emma Smith.

One day, Emma Smith decided to carriage-on-up to Magicland to tell all the goodly people of the kingdom her dirty, dirty secret.

She held a press conference and announced that she had been making goodtime-fucking with The Duke of Magicland for just over two years. She even went into unnecessary details that everyone privately enjoyed. Like, for example, what she and The Duke did with a beehive, a sprig of celery and a lunging rope one morning.

The Duke of Magicland was furious, humiliated and terrified.

His wife, The Duchess of Magicland, was devastated and flew out of her parlour in a flurry of tears and maid-staff.

Everyone was disgusted with the Duke. They judged him immediately and severely with a seething, seething hatred seldom seen or felt in Magicland.

The Shamed Duke (knowing things were looking grim for his marriage, reputation and future Dukedom) did the only thing he could do: he performed some magic that REVERSED TIME and made Emma Smith disappear into oblivion forever.

Everything was, once again, as it should have been and The Duke started making goodtime-fucking with a new and peachy-skinned whore from Dilby. (Who couldn't speak because The Duke magicked her tongue clean out of her).

And this is why Magicland is awesome.

The end.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Teacup was a poodle.

Lady Hampsley was a lady.

Lady Hampsley was a very glamorous and famous lady.

Teacup was a very poorly and flea-ridden poodle.

Lady Hampsley could afford anything she wanted.

Teacup was in a badly-run Pound in a relatively baron wasteland on the city outskirts surrounded by nothing but Display Home Villages and a few spooky service stations.

Lady Hampsley was plump and blush.

Teacup was abused and brownish-white.

Lady Hampsley decided, one morning, to do something Generous. The press always liked it when she did.

Teacup was going to be put down in the morning if nobody came to save her from The Pound. That's what happened there if nobody did.

Lady Hampsley decided to extend her generosity... to a dog.

Teacup had had such a bad life. SUCH a bad life.

Lady Hampsley ordered Morris, her Helicopter FlightsMan, to air her immediately to the most rundown pound on the city outskirts.

Teacup could barely feel her legs for hunger.

Lady Hampsley touched down at The Pound and waited for the Newspaper People.

Teacup heard Lady Hampsley enter the cage-rows.

Lady Hampsley said "No. No. Maybe. No" as she drifted past the other contenders.

Teacup did all she could just to stand and look elegant.

Lady Hampsley saw Teacup.

Teacup saw Lady Hampsley.

"This one!" cried Lady Hampsley.

Teacup's heart did somersaults and caught metaphoric bones in its non-existent mouth.

Lady Hampsley walked outside with Teacup.

The Newspaper People took a thousand photos, with hopes of headlines like "She's Done It Again", "No Lady Like Her!" and "Hampsley Helps a Horrid Hound".

Lady Hampsley tossed Teacup high into the air in a gesture of affection for the cameras.

Teacup flew, overjoyed.

Morris turned into a slow-motion version of himself in the cockpit of the helicopter and let out a silent scream.

The Newspaper People kept taking photos.

Lady Hampsley looked up.

Teacup soared into the rotor-blades of the chopper.

The end.