Captain Saltbeard was a rare pirate-statue made from paint and precious ceramics. But Saltbeard had something extra special not found in other precious ceramic pirate statues...HE WAS A ROOSTER PIRATE.
Captain Saltgbeard lived at 109 Berry-Bridge Road, in a house which was all made of roof. Whoa! Like a big triangle! One of those houses! And he loved living in it.
Of an evening, Saltbeard liked the smell of Lavender and Pine that meandered through the kitchen window from the mountains, from the garden.
Of a morning, he enjoyed the look of The Frypp Family's sourdough browning under the grill, the pitcher of juice propped on the neatly-dressed kitchen table, the steam from little Felix and Gaby's hot chocolates when the weather was particularly crisp.
And, oh!, Captain Saltbeard loved the feel of the sun on his face when it travelled past the side window at ten past three every afternoon, drenching him in gold and calm for a good seven minutes or more.
The only thing Captain Saltbeard didn't like about living with The Frypp Family at 109 Berry-Bridge Road was the day that Stan, their foster kid, put Saltbeard on the floor, hit him with a frying pan and used the broken pieces to make hundreds of little cuts up the length of his pale, pale arm.
The end.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Trix 'n' Tracy
Trix 'n' Tracy were never seen anywhere without each other.
Trix loved Tracy and would help her do her hair.
Tracy loved Trix and would help her to tie her shoes.
Trix 'n' Tracy were together so often that they also washed each other when they were in the absolute nuddy in the shower. Ye gads!
They even went to the TOILET together and didn't mind ONE BIT. Even when they had to do POOS.
This is because Trix 'n' Tracy were born with their skulls fused together in a way that medical science has not yet learned to fix.
The end.
Trix loved Tracy and would help her do her hair.
Tracy loved Trix and would help her to tie her shoes.
Trix 'n' Tracy were together so often that they also washed each other when they were in the absolute nuddy in the shower. Ye gads!
They even went to the TOILET together and didn't mind ONE BIT. Even when they had to do POOS.
This is because Trix 'n' Tracy were born with their skulls fused together in a way that medical science has not yet learned to fix.
The end.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Kristof, The Cow Herd
Kristof herded cows for nothing more than a pinch of salt, a sniff of ale and a flask of milk first thing in the morning.
He herded cows because he loved them.
"Kristof!" his mother would bark in her disturbingly inaccurate German accent, "Ven, o, ven vill you gif oop zis ill-begotten dream of herdink cows and make your poor mother some real dollars und cents?!"
"Never, mother" replied Kristof.
And with that, he jumped onto the back of his favourite cow, Boobelle, and flew high into the air, over towns and rivers and lakes and kingdoms and never saw his pest of a mother ever again.
Boy, was her face red when she realised Kristof had been keeping it secret that he had a cow that could FLY.
The end.
He herded cows because he loved them.
"Kristof!" his mother would bark in her disturbingly inaccurate German accent, "Ven, o, ven vill you gif oop zis ill-begotten dream of herdink cows and make your poor mother some real dollars und cents?!"
"Never, mother" replied Kristof.
And with that, he jumped onto the back of his favourite cow, Boobelle, and flew high into the air, over towns and rivers and lakes and kingdoms and never saw his pest of a mother ever again.
Boy, was her face red when she realised Kristof had been keeping it secret that he had a cow that could FLY.
The end.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Once they were both at the bottom of the hill, Jack and Jill started laughing.
"Who even calls it a 'pail'?!" asked Jill, incredulously.
"And how the hell do you break a 'crown'?", asked Jack, not knowing what part of the body was being referenced in their nursery rhyme.
After they finished their laughing, Jack and Jill had repeated episodes of hot, hot, pornish, porny sex.
One of these episodes made a baby which was later impaled on a broken crown.
Now who's laughing?
The end.
Once they were both at the bottom of the hill, Jack and Jill started laughing.
"Who even calls it a 'pail'?!" asked Jill, incredulously.
"And how the hell do you break a 'crown'?", asked Jack, not knowing what part of the body was being referenced in their nursery rhyme.
After they finished their laughing, Jack and Jill had repeated episodes of hot, hot, pornish, porny sex.
One of these episodes made a baby which was later impaled on a broken crown.
Now who's laughing?
The end.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Gregory's Rainbow
Gregory wanted to draw a rainbow but he only had one black pencil.
He still drew it- but it made him sad, so he drew two black dots above it and pinned it on his bedroom wall.
The end.
He still drew it- but it made him sad, so he drew two black dots above it and pinned it on his bedroom wall.
The end.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
A Day By The Sea
Lyn and Barry decided to spend a day by the sea.
Lyn went to the souvenir shop near where the boats were docked. She looked at an assortment of earrings made from real-life shells and a snow globe, which (when shaken), looked just like the ocean.
Barry looked in the 'Line 'n' Tackle' shop and came out with some earthworms and a lime-green fishing reel. He sat on the finger-wharf and carefully threaded a worm through the hook.
After fetching some calamari and chips from "Fresh And Chips" (the charmless name of the nearby seaside kiosk) Lyn sat down beside Barry and watched him fish.
Barry got a bite and yanked at the reel. Unfortunately, the hook was stuck in the woody-pylon holding up the wharf. When Barry yanked, the hook was set free, but like a whip, it hurtled out of the water and into Lyn's face, gouging into her eye and plucking it clean from her head.
Terrified, Barry and Lyn both tried to stand at the same time, bumped heads and fell into the sea where they were devoured by a visiting Tiger Shark who had watched the entire nightmare play out with a great deal of satisfaction.
The end.
Lyn went to the souvenir shop near where the boats were docked. She looked at an assortment of earrings made from real-life shells and a snow globe, which (when shaken), looked just like the ocean.
Barry looked in the 'Line 'n' Tackle' shop and came out with some earthworms and a lime-green fishing reel. He sat on the finger-wharf and carefully threaded a worm through the hook.
After fetching some calamari and chips from "Fresh And Chips" (the charmless name of the nearby seaside kiosk) Lyn sat down beside Barry and watched him fish.
Barry got a bite and yanked at the reel. Unfortunately, the hook was stuck in the woody-pylon holding up the wharf. When Barry yanked, the hook was set free, but like a whip, it hurtled out of the water and into Lyn's face, gouging into her eye and plucking it clean from her head.
Terrified, Barry and Lyn both tried to stand at the same time, bumped heads and fell into the sea where they were devoured by a visiting Tiger Shark who had watched the entire nightmare play out with a great deal of satisfaction.
The end.
Craig
Craig was a homosexual who enjoyed snowboarding, camping in the mountains and films by Quentin Tarantino.
Craig was lonely.
One night, Craig decided to do what other homosexuals did. He decided to go to a Gay Nightspot.
Nobody danced with Craig or gave him eyes at the Gay Nightspot because Craig had a normal haircut and looked too much like a grown-up.
So Craig went back home and read, then went to sleep.
The next day, Craig turned 23.
The end.
Craig was lonely.
One night, Craig decided to do what other homosexuals did. He decided to go to a Gay Nightspot.
Nobody danced with Craig or gave him eyes at the Gay Nightspot because Craig had a normal haircut and looked too much like a grown-up.
So Craig went back home and read, then went to sleep.
The next day, Craig turned 23.
The end.
Mr. and Mrs. Bishop
Mr. and Mrs. Bishop had a son named Patrick.
Patrick spent lunch times at school sitting inside the play-fort eating his sandwiches in the dark with the ants and wondering about arithmetic, geometric shapes and the composition of music for the harpsichord.
On occasion, other children would enter the play-fort to stare at Patrick or throw scraps at him with their hands.
This didn't upset Patrick because Patrick lacked both feelings and empathy.
If the other children laughed, Patrick wondered why. If the other children cried, Patrick wondered why.
Patrick would never understand them. But he sure liked mustard and ham sandwiches and rhombi-truncated icosidodecahedrons.
The End.
Patrick spent lunch times at school sitting inside the play-fort eating his sandwiches in the dark with the ants and wondering about arithmetic, geometric shapes and the composition of music for the harpsichord.
On occasion, other children would enter the play-fort to stare at Patrick or throw scraps at him with their hands.
This didn't upset Patrick because Patrick lacked both feelings and empathy.
If the other children laughed, Patrick wondered why. If the other children cried, Patrick wondered why.
Patrick would never understand them. But he sure liked mustard and ham sandwiches and rhombi-truncated icosidodecahedrons.
The End.
Carmen and Connie
Carmen and Connie are very pretty girls.
They both have very happy smiles. Everyone says so.
The only difference between them involves cooking. Carmen is better at cooking than Connie is, but Connie doesn't care about that because she is often invited to eat delicious delicacies at Carmen's house.
And whenever this happens, it makes them both smile their big, happy smiles.
Sometimes they smile so much, and so big, that it makes fireworks explode in other countries...far, far away.
And sometimes -just sometimes- when they are at their very happiest, Carmen and Connie even make fireworks explode in ancient kingdoms from PAST TIMES IN HISTORY... before fireworks WERE EVEN INVENTED.
History tells us that only two people were injured from sudden-unexpected-fireworks displays in ancient kingdoms of yore-time, but those two people deserved it. Everyone back then thought so, too.
Which means Carmen and Connie do a pretty amazing job, just by smiling here in the future.
The end.
They both have very happy smiles. Everyone says so.
The only difference between them involves cooking. Carmen is better at cooking than Connie is, but Connie doesn't care about that because she is often invited to eat delicious delicacies at Carmen's house.
And whenever this happens, it makes them both smile their big, happy smiles.
Sometimes they smile so much, and so big, that it makes fireworks explode in other countries...far, far away.
And sometimes -just sometimes- when they are at their very happiest, Carmen and Connie even make fireworks explode in ancient kingdoms from PAST TIMES IN HISTORY... before fireworks WERE EVEN INVENTED.
History tells us that only two people were injured from sudden-unexpected-fireworks displays in ancient kingdoms of yore-time, but those two people deserved it. Everyone back then thought so, too.
Which means Carmen and Connie do a pretty amazing job, just by smiling here in the future.
The end.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Renee Ruth, Nightly at Seven.
Bethany was fifteen years old and always dreamt of becoming a News Reader.
She thought, if it ever happened, that she would change her name to "Renee Ruth" because, to Bethany, that name sounded powerful, authoritative and sexy. It also suggested a good deal of truthful, grass-roots level reporting that so many other News Readers were sorely lacking.
Bethany would sometimes use her computer to Google images of News Readers. She would Photoshop out their faces and Photoshop in her own.
Sometimes, she would stare at her Photoshop creations for hours. One time, she stared at them for over two days without sleeping or eating.
When Bethany was 19, she was on the News.
She had used a rusty old rake that she found lodged in a hay-bale just off the Southern Highway to hurt some people from her old school that she didn't like.
Some of them were more than hurt.
The end.
She thought, if it ever happened, that she would change her name to "Renee Ruth" because, to Bethany, that name sounded powerful, authoritative and sexy. It also suggested a good deal of truthful, grass-roots level reporting that so many other News Readers were sorely lacking.
Bethany would sometimes use her computer to Google images of News Readers. She would Photoshop out their faces and Photoshop in her own.
Sometimes, she would stare at her Photoshop creations for hours. One time, she stared at them for over two days without sleeping or eating.
When Bethany was 19, she was on the News.
She had used a rusty old rake that she found lodged in a hay-bale just off the Southern Highway to hurt some people from her old school that she didn't like.
Some of them were more than hurt.
The end.
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